What is the secret sauce some people have which makes a relationship stick together for decades instead of days?
On September 7th 2019 my husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. Like most relationships, ours began based on looks and likes. I was attracted to his manly tenderness, his physical strength, his good looks, and yes, the Mustang King Cobra he drove. During our courtship we found common ground in what we wanted from life: commitment to God, marriage, family and helping others. That was forty years ago. Just like the songs playing on the radio in the 70s, some linger, but a whole lot of new music is playing now.
He and I have changed a bit. We’ve put on a few pounds and changed our hairstyles. We’ve laughed and made private jokes which no one else can possibly understand. We’ve created life together, and watched in amazement as they grew into the most wonderful people in spite of our ignorance and mistakes. We’ve changed jobs and careers; survived teenagers; and fell in love all over again when the nest got empty. And in private moments, we have shown each other the wounds we suffered along the way.
So what is it that has allowed us to get this far when so many others haven’t? Occasionally we’ll get asked that question, especially in September when we’re out celebrating another year. It fascinates me to hear how he and I answer the question differently each time, and so differently from each other. All the answers are true, but express only what can be said in a moment, which falls far short of the complete truth.
Some friends of mine recently studied Luke 18:1-8 where Jesus instructs his disciples how to pray using a parable. In the King James version, verse 7 tells us that God bears long with us. Books have been written about this parable, but I want to focus on this one concept.
The same root word shows up in 1 Corinthians 13:4, the love chapter, where the KJV uses the words suffereth long. In Luke 9:41 AMP, we find Jesus asking “How long am I to be with you and put up with you?” Perhaps he was expressing his frustration … yet he stayed. He didn’t give up, take what was his and run away. He didn’t withdraw his help and support, nor did he stop loving. He stayed.
This is part of my gift from God. As I face a scary new year dealing with this cancer, I’m not going it alone. God stayed. My husband stayed. I stayed. We didn’t give up on “us” when the going was really tough and the temptation to leave was very real. This bearing long through the years is the soil in which our trust put down deep roots. Over the years it was tested by spring storms, summer drought, fall hurricanes and winter freezes. This testing made “us” stronger, bound us together, gave us staying power… because we stayed.
When we said “I do” to each other, forty years ago, like most couples we fully intended to make it to the finish line. But we had no idea how hard it would be. Life gets hard. I don’t want to belittle anyone’s difficulty or cause someone to feel badly for choices already made. What I do wish, is to encourage those still on this journey. Those who realize that it isn’t turning out quite like expected. That the disappointment is just too much.
You can’t carry the weight of your entire future on your shoulders. You can only make a choice for right now, for the struggle today. Just for today you can chose not to quit. Somewhere along the way, we made an agreement with each other. We won’t both quit on the same day. If today I’m ready to walk away, he won’t. If today I’m the one who is hard to live with, he bears long with me because tomorrow, I’ll do the same for him.
This is our poetry, the music to which we dance. As with most things, the steps may be hard to learn but gets easier with practice. My view of “us” is distorted. The best way to see “us” is to choose to see him as God sees him, as God sees me: someone He created just the way He did because it pleased Him to do so. Someone He is willing to bear long with.
Several years back there was co-worker I wanted to congratulate on his retirement day. I asked him in jest how he made it to retirement. His response was unexpectedly sincere. He said, “I just kept coming in every day.”
Susan Shares 