The First Benefit

It happened during the week I was a still a secret agent, moonlighting as a research analyst. My evenings were high speed feeding frenzies at every cancer website I could find. My brain felt like an overstuffed stomach, squirting digestive juices into places not meant for it and the burn kept me awake. Before the sun peeked through the window blinds each morning, I had dressed my under-eye bags, put my “everything is cool” mask in place, and set out to face another day at the office.

All employers have teams, official or not. The people I interact with are my team. We share information to do our jobs. Sometimes we interact with other teams in the company. This was one of those times. To complete an assignment, I needed a bit of information from another team. Those folks happened to be in town for some meetings and I asked one of them to stop by when he could. It sounds simple enough to ask one question to one person, right?

After their meeting ended, he shows up at my office, with the rest of his carpool buddies in tow. We’re having a conversation and I raise my question. The next time my brain engages I realize I have said way too much; the warning signals start flashing to put the brakes on, but the momentum of words is too great and the gossip train takes forever to come to a complete stop.

Maybe the experts would blame this on the current state of distress in my psyche, or the sleep deprivation I was experiencing. But those words didn’t come from anyone’s mouth but mine. They were slanderous, judgmental, and divisive. All weekend the words echoed in my thoughts, playing back as if they had been said about me.

As of today, my body has not received any surgery or cancer treatment. The only change since having the big “C” on my forehead is this amazing simplistic focus on what is truly important. Most of us were taught the Golden Rule when we were young. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It comes from the Bible in Matthew 7:12. I found myself looking into both the internal and the eternal mirror and not liking what I saw. Ever been there? Suddenly it was highly important that I seek out and apologize to each of the people who heard those words come out of my mouth. It took a few days to gather the courage, find the right words and get it done, but oh how freeing it was!

Though my apology was appreciated, not one of them took the offense as seriously as I had. And that highlights the first change in “Susan with cancer”. In a word: perspective. Two resources have always been available, time and the opportunity to do good. Now, they have become precious resources which can no longer be wasted, but carefully invested.

I’m thankful for the lesson learned and wonder how many times I’ve uttered similar words and never thought about how it would feel if they had been spoken about me. I’ve asked my heavenly father to forgive me. His grace is the best of all for he not only forgave the sin I have just shared, but he has promised to cleanse me from all my unrighteousness. “All” includes those slanderous, divisive words I have spoken but can’t even remember. I’m so thankful for the sacrifice His son made so I can be forgiven.

This first benefit of cancer, I welcome with open arms and want to keep always: recognizing that my time and my words must be carefully invested in doing good.